A/N: This latest chapter… well, I have no comment about it, you guys might loved to enjoy Saika’s pain… Alright then, I’ll meet you all at the end of the chapter… so good luck…
Every night… I dreamt different dreams…
But this feeling, the voice, that scenery, the dreadful feelings, the coldness in their eyes…
It all the same… came in repetition… flows through my mind over and over… like it never ends…
Never-ending cycles of nightmare…
Or perhaps… the memories of that day continue to haunt me ever since…
Even though it’s been a year since then… I’ve continued to be reminded… that day… unforgettable day… that day that became the source of my nightmare… my fear… my guilt… and my grief…
…
“Oh, Amagi-san, good morning!”
I came in from the sliding doors that can only be seen in the hospital. They greeted me as I walked to the receptionist while I brought flowers in my hands.
I greeted her, “O-oh, good morning to you too,”
“Oh my, you brought flowers again?” the receptionist asked, and she continued, “It’s nice to see a girl like you who brought flowers so often,” she smiled as her eyes gazed at me, her voice so soft, but also a little bit cheerful at the time.
She greeted me every day since my first visit to this hospital. We might talk for a while each time I came, and even though I enjoyed our conversations, I couldn’t bring myself to look into her eyes. Her gaze reminded me of the nightmares, those cold stares that seemed to pierce through me.
Recalling that dream prevented me from talking to them. I know I shouldn’t be afraid, but I can’t bear being reminded of it.
“T-thank you, hmm… e-excuse me” I averted my gaze from her, and immediately walked away from her. I was too afraid to make eye contact with her ever since…
“Oh… I’m sorry if I startled you, please call us if there’s anything you need,” she said, although I know that she only greeted me and didn’t mean to harm me, she was just a receptionist after all, but nothing could change how fear consumed me afterward.
I nodded and continued to walk forward and headed to the lift and went to the 5th floor…
As I stepped out of the elevator and walked forward, I could hear the murmur of voices from the crowd around me. However, I avoided making eye contact, ignoring them and pretending I didn’t notice as I continued toward the room.
Room 501… the patient inside is someone deeply important to me. Although it’s just a room number, I know exactly who is there. That’s why I brought the flowers—for them.
I arrived at the door and, with a steady hand, slowly slid it open before stepping inside the room.
The atmosphere felt silent, with no voice or any disruption from the outside, even though I could hear it a little behind that door… it’s dark in here, it seems that the nurse forgot to open the window… it might not be the best to leave the rooms dark when it’s already morning…
I put down the flowers on the vase at the table next to the patient, and then, I headed straight to the windows, used my hands to slide the curtains, and pushed the windows to open…
…
The sun rises and brighter, the birds singing here and there, I could even hear their voices and feel the breeze of the winds through every skin of mine. I gaze toward the beautiful scenery of the small city, the few buildings are visible up there, while the rest beyond that building and city, there’s a mountain, but covered by the fog.
A moment like this should be the happiness that I could breathe the clean air and enjoy the scenery with my eyes…
But… that wasn’t for me… I didn’t deserve that…
That happiness and enjoyment of life are never meant for me, and I’ve never deserved to have something like that… all of my expressions… all things I had… are filled with emptiness and sadness…
When I know those feelings I had back then… I’ve realized it was just a blissful fake that I stole from someone… made by my pretendingness… I slowly forget… What It means for me to be happy… what it means for me to love… it suffocated me… it tortures me deep inside my heart to remember…
Compared to Tokio, who lives a normal life, surrounded by everyone whom he calls friend, and… the happiness that he deserves so much… I never got that happiness… God never gave me that one… the reason is simple…
God hates me… for my selfishness… for the sins that I’ve committed… for the lies that I’ve made… What an ironic… isn’t it… I thought my place back there was the first time since I’d been happy… but… I’ve realized… there’s no such thing for me… blissful lies… the emotions I hide behind that mask… the selfish action that leads them to tragedy… it all came down to me… as if I’m the one who did it…
Or… perhaps, God hated me ever since I was born… that’s why I’ve always being mocked and bullied since I was a child… that’s why I still didn’t feel happy even though I came to his school… that’s why everything so messed up ever since I lived…
But… I couldn’t feel whether I should be sad or anything… I already left that behind already… me to disappear… was the only thing that I needed to do… being forgotten… might do better for the sake of everyone… but the memories continue to haunt me… refuse to make me forget…
I turned around my head and directly headed to the patients who were asleep in their beds… the man who was sleeping there…
I greeted him, with a smile, “Good morning, Jyotaro Onii-chan”
The man whom I knew so dearly… someone I loved… someone that I still was able to smile, even just a little… Jyotaro Amagi… my cousin and my big brother… kind and genuine brother that I’ve always held in my heart, the one whom I still hold affection for… even now…
But… he was supposed to die… die along with his real body after being degraded into a monster by Outer Dependency Syndrome in the next world… he wasn’t supposed to exist anymore… until…
A few months ago…
I suddenly got texted by someone on my phone after school…
The person who was messaging me asked me to come to the hospital sooner or later…
I read that message, but it was way too cryptic, I couldn’t even understand what all that meant… but the only words in that message were that “813110912849, solve this code, find this location, and what you’ve sought, would be found.”
At first, I didn’t believe it… It might look like a prank to try to confuse me… or something that is trying to trick me, the same as how I’ve been tricked by Geist using my brother’s name J just to fool me…
I erased that message, and hopefully, it never came to me again… but… all of a sudden the same message came to me again…
Every morning, night, evening, for days, and weeks, it keeps repeating no matter how many messages I’ve erased and it comes back to me again and again… Until that day, when I was at my wit… I replied to his message, asking him to leave me alone or stay away from me…
I’ve had enough of it… kept spamming me all the time… I don’t know exactly what their deal is… and I will never understand what their intention is… it might be reasonable to try and ignore them… avoiding other mistakes is something that needs to be done for me… but even so… I still can’t get over that message I read back then, “Solve codes, find this location, and what I seek, would be found,”
What’s even had to do with me, I told myself all over again that it was just a prank made by another prankster or Geist who was still alive up there, but, why would they send me code though… My frustration and confusion toward the message kept distracting me from doing my activities… I couldn’t help but wonder about it… even now…
And until that day… the message came back to me… and this time it’s different…
A picture…
The picture of someone that I am truly familiar with… my brother… lying in the beds at the hospital…
I was shocked, in disbelief if anything they said was true… and that message from the last time came to me once more…
The code… the key lies within that code… unlocked the locations which I truly seek… and I decided to try and follow that instruction of that message, one last time…
I deciphered that code and found the location… It was near my new apartment in a small city. I immediately went to that hospital and went upstairs using the left and headed to the door room, to the exact place that was instructed on that code that was given by mysterious messengers…
I finally reached that door… but, my body froze as the fear was still holding me… I thought to myself whether those messages were lies, like how Geist did to me back then… I might have planned to leave if that message and codes that they gave to me… were a lie…
But, my curiosity was starting to grow, and I couldn’t back down this far, not so long that I couldn’t stop bothering about the image that they sent to me… I wouldn’t know if it was fake or not, my anxious feeling gave me as if I shouldn’t go there…
But just this once… I need some courage to do it… courage to face any possibilities that come to me… at least for once… I need to do…
I opened the door slowly, and went through the door that I saw…
The person that was the same person that I saw in the Photo… Jyotaro Onii-chan… was found… lying in the bed of a Hospital room…
At that moment, I was surprised… I couldn’t hold a burst of tears from my eyes. I immediately ran toward him and hugged him, I screamed and felt tears of joy for the first time that they told the truth, that my brother… was still alive…
I couldn’t imagine the day that I could finally reunite with Jyotaro Onii-chan… I was thrilled… no many words I could put… only my brother came home safe and sound, even though he was in a coma… now I cling to him, and show off how happy I was when he was truly still alive…
However, one joy and happiness filled my heart… is just the beginning of my feeling hopeless, the guilt and grief mixed all things.
What changes now… even that day was the most happiness that I could ever hope for… all things that I’ve done will never go back… the past and guilt… continue to haunt me… even now…
Present Day…
The day when he left me as a child… the feeling of abandonment, heartbreak, and sadness filled my heart… feeling disappointed for how he chose his selfishness, instead of me…
When CC Corp declared my brother’s death… my life was a messed, filled with suffering, agony, and sadness, and thus, hate, anger, and obsession grew, and so my selfishness began to be added to my heart. With no hesitation and my stubbornness, doing anything necessary to save him, even to use someone… or being used… that’s the only thing that I’ve lived for… none of that matters if it was a risk… as long as I can meet my brother again… I have no regrets about it…
But now… everything I did… becomes a price and consequences…
The day I used Tokio and worked him to the bone left his condition worse than I could imagine, the day I was tricked by Geist, the day I witnessed Jyotaro Onii-chan die atrociously… and … the day I witnessed AIKA, sacrifice herself to save Aura…
All of this… all of my doings… lead up to this point… lead up to everyone I care about being hurt because of my personal goal… All of this… is my fault…
My fault…
After that day… all the hatred, anger, selfishness, and obsession that I bore… had gone… leaving me with despair, guilt, sadness, and lament… haunted by my grieves, regrets, and guilt…
All the things that I have done, all the struggle from sweats and tears that I’ve made for five long years… it all feels… nothing…
Nothing…
Truth and Reality are different from expectation… far beyond that… and I could never grasp that… it all felt to me… pointless… all seems never would have mattered… pointless and hopeless… are two things that I brought to myself…
What a pathetic idiot I am… involving Tokio and AIKA, just for my personal selfish and obsession goal… only for Jyotaro onii-chan…
What could’ve gone wrong…
Even the year has passed since that day… The burdens of the sinner and grief are mine now… the sin that I committed to Tokio, AIKA, and those people in the real world… and the grief for the day I lost AIKA and the day I made Tokio hurt…
Everything I’ve felt was a dream now… but it all seems real to me…
I turned around, left the windows, headed straight to the chair next to his bed, and sat down on that chair… My eyes focused on Jyotaro Onii-chan who was now asleep or he’s in a coma…
It’s been a few months ever since…
There is no progression of him and he didn’t open his eyes for much longer than I thought of it… the sadness still imprinted in my heart and it flew through my expression, feeling doubt if he won’t be able to wake up again…
I slowly tried to greet him, “Morning, Jyotaro Onii-chan…”
Maybe… having a little chat with him would at least, do better for a while.
“Hmm… How are you today?”
It might be awkward for me whenever I speak to someone that didn’t wake up. Talking to him when he’s still in a coma… it’s like me talking to myself… with nobody around… not even Tokio… not even AIKA… just two of us… alone… in this emptiness atmosphere… where nobody disrupts us… alone…
“You know… I have a lot of things to tell ever since you left… but it’s hard for me to explain all of this stuff…”
“But at first… without you there with me… I was alone… I… got no friends, no someone I could count on… not even family, friends, or anyone… and then I started transferring from the school… I made friends, played good sports, studied, had beautiful looks, honor student personality, confidence, and… I had a fan club too… *puff* it surprised me that after I change my looks or anything, everyone’s just like me all of a sudden… I mean I was truly proud that I made something that looks very worthwhile to me…”
“But it all seems… truly a lie…”
“Even though I had a place where I could feel free for myself, I’m just nothing but some kind girl who just pretended to be someone else when they saw me, a same old me, the weak me… some of them might be doubting me about lies and what things I had to cover… slowly and slowly I’ve begun to continue with more lies and start run away from myself, just to satisfy them, just for something that needs to be done… the truth is… I’ve never received that kind of happiness, even though I was happy with it… but that happiness… wasn’t meant for me…”
Suddenly the past returned to me once more, the heaviness within my heart that It’s impossible to put in words, because of how much more obvious it is if I did… trying to avoid recalling all the painful past may be that much easier, but bearing all of that began to hurt me even more… and my brain couldn’t erase all the sort of my past that I tried so hard to forget…
“But then, I met someone… your first AI… AIKA…” I said, it shifted my mood to lighter and joyful in contrast to all things heavier that I told earlier…
“I was surprised how you make her look like me… or we kinda look alike now… it’s like… I have a twin sister…”
“She’s the only friend that I had… the only person who was truly special to me… the one who can see the true me… when I spent time with her… it’s very precious to me… the first time… I was genuinely happy… even though we can only talk through mind and mind… even though she’s like a kid… she seems cute… but still, she might need my protection though… *laughs*”
I smiled and laughed, even though it’s not that much, but telling the story of my first time meeting AIKA, was the truly wonderful memory I had…
“And there’s Tokio… but you know… your subjects are truly troublesome… well… maybe I shouldn’t say “Subject” though…” The mood changed as I talked about Tokio… the feelings of despondent came to my expression, and I sighed my breath, trying to recall all the things I spent time watching him…
“Honestly I had a hard time with it… his idiocy, caring, kind, and stubborn… even his goofiness sometimes pissed me off… he might not be what I expected and I don’t even know if he was a hero either…”
“but… all changes when I saw his seriousness, wanting to protect someone that’s truly important, he’s selfless, and his courage has left me stunned… the moment I set my eyes on him… even though the idiocy, kind, caring, and the stubborn he is… he never stops running from the fight if it means for someone… I feel bad for forcing him too much back then *laughs*”
I smiled again and giggled. Remembering not just all kinds of stupid things he did, but there’s also a good side of things that I’ve remembered about him, and watching him grow up right now… somehow inside of me wants to enjoy and be happy a little…
“I… was truly amazed and admired his strength… *giggle* from the idiot I first met when I brought him into The World, into the idiot that puts all of his courage, strength, hope, and determination… honestly… I truly like him, somehow…”
A sudden snap happened as I realized the things about “I truly liked him” at the end of my words… my cheeks went red and I felt embarrassed that I bought something wrong for what I said… “W-Well, I mean, I like how courageous he was and I truly admire his strength to protect… but, he’s still an idiot tho…”.
“I do not love him that much… but… I can’t deny that feeling too…”
My shyness and bashfulness had come through my expression, my heart beating a little fast whenever I began to admit how I have feelings for him since back then… I might have tried to deny it several times though… but those feelings wouldn’t go away…
“You know I was happy, even though I was surrounded, only by two people who understand me more, even though they gave me a hard time, I’m still happy whatsoever… I wish… It could continue like this… just three of us together… we could laugh, cry, and smile all the time… feels like a normal… but It’s enough for me to have a place that I could truly belong…”
I put on my warm smile while my cheeks went blushed, the words I put is much warmer and I sightly enjoyed it when I knew how much happy I stayed and spent time with Tokio and AIKA… It was truly unforgettable… that might not be erased from my mind…
But even though I did, it all leads to this nightmare… unforgettable past that I’ve begun to experience… the coldest stare that they gave me a look at as it was trying to blame me for the sins that I committed…
“But, I don’t have that anymore,”
All emotions once again shifted and came back when all things gloomy, the feeling I had felt like how the tears wanted to come out from my eyes until they did… it all feels hurt…
The horrible person I was… I remember all of it… the things that I can’t be able to forgive myself…
“I drag two of them into my mess… the mess they shouldn’t have been involve in, to begin with… now… they’re gone… they’re not with me anymore… because of me…”
“It’s all my fault…” The tears came out from my eyes and they rained down and fell to the ground, while I sniffed my nose… I held his blanket and my hands felt trembling when I did.
“Tokio’s hurt because of me” remember how I saw Tokio injured due to the release of the Brainwash virus that caused Aura brainwashed, and he went into a coma after that battle against Aura…
“AIKA died because of me,” remembering how I saw AIKA sacrifice herself for Aura…
“I drag everyone I love into this tragedy I created, created by my foolishness and selfishness that led to this trickery, but even so… this… is truly my fault… now I’ve lost them…”
“Jyotaro Onii-chan, please wake up… I’m scared… alone…”
“I’m scared Onii-chan… I’m scared…”
Every night… filled with grief and sin…
In a never-ending sadness and despair… hope and suffering are long gone…
Trapped within cycles of never-ending suffering…
My tears never stop falling from my eyes… I could feel a deeper hurt inside my heart, burdened by all the mistakes that I made…
Continuous of my life, filled with deep sadness, lament, and emptiness… that memory continues to haunt me… in everlasting cruel nightmares…
I could hear Water drops…
Everything is pitch-black…
I couldn’t see anything…
I felt cold… alone…
Wearing the same school outfit that I wore in Tokio’s school…
And then… I hear the voice…
“What a pathetic…”
“That girl, she’s such an idiot,”
“Yeah, what a nerd,”
I was snapped, my eyes widened, my bodies began to freeze up and tremble… I could feel my heart rates increase, I started to sigh my breath repeatedly as I began to recognize the unforgettable voice…
“She’s a loser… always very unsociable”
“I meant, she’s always near her laptop or even made launch alone, instead of talking to us,”
“What a nerd!”
“She’s nothing but trouble…”
“I bet her parents don’t care about her,”
“Just, why does she even exist, to begin with?”
“STAY AWAY FROM ME!”
The voice came at me several times, hitting me more than knives, piercing through my heart in an unforgettable experience I felt… I bow down to my knees, close my eyes, cover my ears, and begged, “Please… stop… I don’t want to hear this,”
“Tch, why does she have to be around?”
“Unneeded…”
“She thinks she can be like us, but she’s ugly as hell,”
“If only she doesn’t exist,”
“What a pathetic face,”
The voice kept coming closer and closer, and even though I tried to cover my ears tightly, I could not be able to avoid the voice coming to my ears… their words are truly cutting edge… it goes way through my brain at the slightest chance…
I couldn’t stop or even try not to hear them… “Please, make it stop… I don’t want to remember this,” I begged.
“What a weirdo,”
“She doesn’t seem very friendly with us,”
“She’s the worst,”
“Annoying,”
“Liar…”
“It’s all your fault that we were like this!”
My tears fell to the ground as I continued begging, “PLEASE… I BEG YOU, STOP!”
“Why do you ask them to stop?”
A sudden voice came to me and I opened my eyes and recognized that voice…
I heard a few steps, and slowly and slowly, the voice stepped closer and headed straight at me… I only saw his shoes… I began to lift my head… and then I was shocked…
I saw the boy with the red-haired goggles, the boy whom I know so much… stare at me with cold eyes… same stars as before…
“T-Tokio,”
“Tokio, I-I”
I tried to make a word with him, I immediately tried to say the words and apologize to him… I almost want to say those words… but suddenly things happened when his voice came out of his mouth…
“Murderer…”
Shocked reaction from the words that came out from his mouth… left me speechless and in disbelief with the way he spoke… his words had left me silent in fear and trembling all over my body and heart couldn’t bear such hurtful words that came from him…
“No-No… I… I didn’t mean to,” I said, as I shook my head and the sadness I felt in my expression with tears. However, my voice somehow felt stiff…
And then, he continued, “Because of you… Aura went berserk… because of you… people had died… and because of you… AIKA died…”
“No, nononononono, I didn’t mean that I didn’t mean all of that, I just want to”
And then I heard the sound and turned my head to the right and saw the vision of the past, in the sea of data which was colored in orange, the grotesque look of Aura, it all there, just exactly how I remembered the day we battling against Aura… and then I saw AIKA, sacrificing her life for Aura, leading to her death…
I watched her being destroyed piece by piece, and after I witnessed that Vision… I was devastated…
“AIKA-chan… *Sniff* AIKA-chan,”
And then Tokio speaks again…
“I worked myself to the bone for you,”
“Obtaining Chrono Core, restoring Twilight Knights, and helping you to find your brother…”
“The bossy you are, who is just there watching me, ordering me, and doing nothing, while you watch me on your computer, I was the one who felt suffered and hurt, all of this… I want to save Kite and the others… and even so… I still followed you, and still doing as you said,”
“I’ve become stronger, stronger, and stronger, so I can help you and save Kite…”
“But then, WHAT DO I GET NOW?!”
His volume reached higher peaks, and I could witness his anger all over his face, enraging feelings that he had felt through… it struck my ears hurtfully, my body felt trembling and cold, and the fear continued to consume me along with my sadness… tragic and cruel things that I’ve begun experience, the suffering that he had experience, it all comes to me, reflecting the way I did to him…
But in that angered expression, the tears and sadness are what I can see within him…
“AIKA… AIKA’s death… she would never come back… she lost forever… she couldn’t have the promise she wanted… even though we already made a promise…” but soon, his eyes went on toward me again, clenched his teeth with his glaring stares intensely, “And all of this, because of YOU!!”
“No, I didn’t mean for this to happen, I-” I was panicked and desperate to try to talk it out of him… believing that I wasn’t meant for AIKA’s death…
And then I began to see someone I know in my dream, my classmates, my family, people who got involved in the Immortal Dusk incident, Fluegel and his Schicksal members, Twilight Knights, Kite, all of them standing behind Tokio, giving the same looks as he was. And then, I began to realize, I was surrounded… again… same as the last dream I’d experienced.
An inescapable haunting nightmare that continuously tortured me… left me in utter despair and hopelessness…
“if only you died instead of her…”
“Tokio, please… no more…”
“Face it, this is what you wished for! all of this happened because your fault…”
“Please, I beg you, no more…”
“You should just disappear!”
“NOOO!!”
I cried it out and begged over and over again, the tears continued to burst from my eyes, covering my ears with my hands tightly and I could feel the coldness on my skin, froze without any movements, closing my eyes tightly and hoping that this nightmare would stop… someone will come to me… and save me from this nightmare…
And then… I understand now, that I was alone… leaving only with them who repeatedly blamed me…
I didn’t mean to hurt Tokio, I didn’t mean to let AIKA die, I didn’t mean to drag people to their deaths… I didn’t mean for all of this to happen…
.
.
.
.
No… maybe they’re right… as I opened my eyes… the realization came to me… that I know that I should have just disappeared… I should never exist… I should have died… It’s better for me, for someone like me who had no reason to live, to die in a never-ending shame and guilt…
“It’s all your fault…”
I could hear those words again, those words that struck deep into my heart and mind… repeating the same time as the last dream I had yesterday… forever haunted by those words… that become a burden and responsibility for what I’ve done… and… it never ends…
“It’s all your fault…”
“It’s all your fault…”
“It’s all your fault…”
“It’s all your fault…”
“It’s all your fault…”
“It’s all your fault…”
With no words or strength I have left, I was alone engulfed by the words in the pitched place of darkness that I came for… and then, the only words that I could pull out from my mouth… is the only thing I want to tell for so long… that never even delivered to them… even to AIKA… even to Tokio…
“I’m sorry”
Those words… become the last thing… the last words of my meeting with Tokio… when he is currently in a coma… the last time… that I could see him…
“I’m sorry,”
“I’m sorry,”
“I’m sorry,”
“I’m sorry,”
“I’m sorry,”
“I’m sorry,”
And so… I keep mumbling, saying those words, repeatedly…
Over and Over again…
“I’m sorry,”
“I’m sorry,”
“I’m sorry,”
“I’m sorry,”
“I’m sorry,”
“I’m sorry,”
“I’m sorry,”
“I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry …”
…
And so… I woke from my dream… again…
I opened my eyes widely and took a heavy breath… in the same room… in the same place I lived…
I slowly began to pull some muscle toward my brain… realizing that all of this was dreaming again…
The same dream… a very atrocious nightmare… that I would never forget…
I might cry again at the same time as I always do…
But this time… it all seems didn’t matter anymore…
I feel so… empty… I couldn’t express whether I was grieved or scared…
There’s nothing else inside of me anymore… all of it was eaten by darkness… by the despair of what it could call…
I began to keep repeating the same words that I used in my haunted and nightmarish dream as I hugged my arms and sat huddled… the same as how suffering, tortured, and suffocating I was…
There are no words, but only this…
“I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry”
Now there’s one thing that only I’ve had in my mind…
I should’ve died… I should’ve just disappeared… I should’ve just disappeared from this world… if only… I wasn’t born into this world…
My sins and my grieves grew bigger and bigger… and without any thought… I keep apologizing, apologizing, and apologizing… but no one ever starts trying to tell me that it’s okay…
I’m alone… and it’s better to be alone… being forgotten…
I want to end this… I’m tired… I want to die…
But… I can’t leave Jyotaro Onii-chan alone…
What should I do? Please tell me, what should I do?… I can’t run from this nightmare… I can’t take it anymore… I’m tired…
I want to disappear…
Immortal Dusk just only became a small regular Network Crisis that happened last year, CC Corps tried to cover all the events, without knowing the world was saved by a single girl… covering so much to decrease any panic in the audience, fans, and the public…
They always do something like this… like how they cover all Jyotaro’s wheredoubt… even back then all my rages have gone to CC Corp, now… I feel nothing… I had no comments whatsoever on whether I could continue to hate it or just let it go…
But one thing… that people didn’t realize… inside the shadow that CC Corp had tried to hide from them…
This one… has brought my sane out of the line…
The greatest shock that changed the rest of my life…
Indeed… only selectable P-COM users, at least over 1.000 people been selected to be real-digitalize into The World… and they weren’t even aware of the monster attack and all the living things that had been transferred were not the same PCs as they were in the online game… they are human with actual body entered to The World, couldn’t stand a chance to survive in that world unless some miracles happen…
But, this is just the beginning… when I hacked CC Corps data once again… I saw something… horrible…
With over 800 people surviving that event, only 200 people died in the process of their return… There have been several cases from the side-effect process of Real-Digitalization that have become a reason for their death like being attacked by monsters, outer dependency syndrome, heart attacks, and many more symptoms… the reason is simple, just as Fluegel said… not even their actual body can survive in the very harsh of digital spaces… not even people.
Although 800 people survived that event, over 200 people with their condition were in a critical state, and the chance for them to live… might be slim…
I was shocked, to think that CC Corps could hide so much of this information, so much that I couldn’t even process my mind about how dark and deep they’ve been hiding this so far, how come this never even came into public?
Normally, I should have been arrested as Genius, the CEO of CyberConnect Japan Branch, sued me for my accomplice’s action that led to the incident… but they suddenly called it off for that and there are no words have come from them ever since.
But instead of continuously blaming the company, Genius, and even Geist who’s responsible for that event… and tricked me into using Jyotaro’s name, there is one thing that makes me realize, that all of, this happened because of my fault… starting to recruit Tokio, obtaining Chrono Core, saving Jyotaro onii-chan in Akashic Records, being tricked by a geist, and lastly, Aura’s brainwashing virus… it’s all led to this… it’s all connected… all at once…
Although, Geist was working behind the shadow… I’m the one who truly made an action that led this thing to happen… I have become responsible for all of this… everything happens because of me… that is the sin I’ve committed in my whole life…
I played the role of leading this world into a mess…
As a result, The loss of AIKA was a part of it… Tokio’s hurt due to near outer dependency syndrome causes the post-effect of releasing a Brainwashing Virus inside of him… all of this because Black Copy Disc that Geist had created… he’s now in a coma… his condition might be worse than I thought… and then… I don’t know if I could see him again… so I’ve decided to disappear… we shouldn’t see each other again… for his good well-being…
That is how… I’ve begun to lose everything… nightmares from that event started to haunt me… all the pain and suffering that still imprinted in my heart… never forget that day…
Even I tried to hold myself from this… I couldn’t take it anymore… I’m tired… I want to die… alone… I want to be forgotten by everyone…
Will God forgive me for my sin?… Will Tokio ever forgive me for what I did?… Will AIKA forgive me for not being a good sister to her?…
What the worst I’m… it seems that… it was better to do this… leaving this world, without suffering… it might be the happiest for me if I do not exist anymore…
I want to die…
“Oh, Amagi-san, good morning!”
I came in from the sliding doors that can only be seen in the hospital. They greeted me as I walked to the receptionist. But I didn’t listen to her… and just walked through… with the emptiness of my expression…
“That girl… I hope nothing’s happened to her,”
Just arrived in Jyotaro’s room, I opened the door and greeted him with the same smile, “Good morning, Jyotaro Onii-chan…”, I continued, “Sorry, this time I didn’t bring a flower today, but I’ll buy it tomorrow, okay?”
I looked at him, sleeping as usual without any further progress in his recovery… but I didn’t worry about anything… all I felt now was nothing anymore… there was no expression in me… I had nothing to do with that…
“Did the nurse forget to open the windows again…”
I headed straight to the windows, used my hands to slide the curtains, and pushed the windows open…
The scenery is still the same… the sun rises and brighter, the birds singing here and there, I could even hear their voices, and feel the breeze of the winds through every skin of mine. I gaze toward the beautiful scenery of the small city, the few buildings are visible up there, while the rest beyond that building and city, there’s a mountain, but covered by the fog. But everything… still looks the same to me…
And that moment that I realized, I had no happiness… I don’t have anything to live for… and so today… I planning to kill myself…
“Hey, Jyotaro Onii-chan…” I turned around my head and gazed directly at Jyotaro who was still asleep…
“Maybe, I won’t be able to get you a flower anymore…” I smiled a little bit… and with despair left in my expression.
“If you’re awake, I might not already be in this world anymore, so… please take care of yourself and have someone who loves you more than me…”
“I hope you can take care of yourself when I’m gone…”
I was suffering, despairing, grieving, and burdened with all the sins that I couldn’t take anymore… I just want things to end…
It’s better for me… to end all of this… please… I want to rest in peace…
I’m tired… of everything…
AIKA… Tokio…
I close my eyes tightly and prepare to try… readying for me to end my life before I go to the rooftop… and thus I realized… my life… wasn’t meant for me anymore… it’s the end… for me…
But the one thing I regret…
Is not just about leaving Jyotaro Onii-chan alone…
I… I didn’t have a chance… to be honest with Tokio… smile at him… cheer on him… and give him as much courage as he could…
I also didn’t have a chance to confess my feelings for him…
Ah! It’s too late for me anyway… there’s no way I could see him anymore…
I’m sorry, for all of this… Tokio…
*Knock* *Knock*
“Gah, just knocking on the door at times like this…” I was irritated by the sudden knocking on the door from someone… and the atmosphere within me began to change for a sudden…
*Knock* *Knock*
It came knocking several times… and I sighed my breath, aware that if it was someone guest related to Jyotaro Onii-chan… then I made no choice, but to head straight to the door where the sound of knocking door came front…
“Yes?”
And then… as I opened the door, I saw a person… The person I know so much left me speechless without any words to convey. I was shocked and didn’t even realize that “he” was here… had found me where I am… and I was left speechless once more with his arrival at the front door…
“Hello, good morning!”
The same boy with red hair goggles who wears T-shirts and short pocket pants moves his hand with the yellow roses he holds in his hand…
“It’s… been a while… Saika… hehehehe”
He was still the same, being goofy all of a sudden, but some of his seriousness was still the same… I immediately recognized him… and said by that name…
“T-Tokio…”
TO BE CONTINUE…
A/N: You know, this rather darker story than the previous one, or perhaps even darker and despair from the prologue chapter, but the ending gives a little light to it with Tokio comes in. People who hated her might feel satisfied after reading this.
This chapter is a moment where her character develops, when she realizes how many mistakes and consequences she had made for Tokio and AIKA, at the moment she is at her lowest, where she can’t take it anymore, realizing the greatest guilt, grief, and despair felt within her, and where hopes are reached to its limit. The prologue chapters prove how she never had anyone who was by their side until she read the message from Geist, and now she had to lose it all again.
Although it might be way too painful to write this about her, this could raise emotional drama of how she suffered mentally for her mistakes and needed consequences for her actions of what she did in the .hack//Link event, which wasn’t even shown or presented in the game. So I want to explore Saika’s story that CyberConnect 2 or Masayuki Yano never even bothered to write about.
Wanna know what’s next beyond her reunion with Tokio? the fourth chapter is on the way soon!
And about IMMORTAL DUSK events, of course, there’s no mention of people who died in that event or how people got into the game, but in all seriousness, CyberConnect2 might put a little stake on it. So I decided to add some mature elements within those events and add the consequences of how much people prolonged stay there in the game or net, and how many side-effects real digitalization has.
So Indeed, CC Corp has been hiding this information about the number of dead people from Real Digitalization (which they got some balls on that), to save their reputation and their images, which is a very typical thing of what CC Corp does. Very cruel, right? Indeed.
In conclusion, the reason that I add the plot of “numbers of people died in the game due to real digitalization” is to add consequences of the IMMORTAL DUSK plan, Geist’s action, and most of all, Saika’s action, also raise the stakes of the story in which what .hack//Link couldn’t, even though its for younger audience. I also do this, to tease how much CC Corp has gone too far to protect their reputation and images, even means doing something that’s truly illegal. That’s what I’ve been taught for a long time.
I guess that’s all for today, because the next chapter will be happy reunion between Tokio and Saika, and everything will be a happy ending… I guess?
See ya 😀
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